an apology

Will wonders never cease...

The King got an APOLOGY on his phone from voldemort.  I have yet to hear this message, but apparently she very clearly said "I AM SORRY."  For the hubbub last weekend.  For causing a mess.  She said that was not her intention at all.  She also said that she will still be working from a place of peace and understanding, and does not want all that has been created thus far to be lost. 

There was no mention of Pettigrew or his antics. 

Interesting for sure.  The King and I agree that we'll see.  If she wants to attempt to be generous and nice then perhaps she should for a while.  Maybe she ought to make up for the past a little bit and prove that she really is on a different page than before. 

First test... tomorrow is the third saturday of the month, our saturday.  Last year voldemort pitched a fit and said that we could not have our saturday in november because we also had thanksgiving weekend that month.  As we have not had a saturday yet this fall (due to the King offering her that time) and do not have thanksgiving, it is very clear to me that we ought to have Buttercup with us tomorrow. 

There is no inkling yet that voldemort will protest this.  But as I said... we'll see...

sacrifice?

It is true that these most recent actions of voldemort and pettigrew's have landed the King and I squarely on the same page again. He actually sent them the first angry email message he has sent in years, just to point out how generous we have been, how pathetic it is that they are worrying about fairness of the thanksgiving holidays to come in the next four years, and to inform them that the good times are over. I was impressed by his strong reaction to their poor behavior and at the same time quite saddened that he had to go through it again. He opened up the door a tiny crack again to positiveness with voldemort, only to have the door slammed in his face. Again.

On the same day that all this went down, Buttercup broached a topic that brought up for me the immense question of  How much do we sacrifice?   Parents sacrifice alot for their kids.  Some more than others.  Some none at all.  Some everything.  But where is that nebulous and invisible line of where you stop sacrificing for your child and allow them to feel the pain of real life?

In her shy, tentative, hesitating, and youthfully hopeful way, Buttercup asked the King if he would be willing to participate in her Bat Mitzvah by reading a Hebrew blessing during the service.  Thankfully I was there to translate 11 year old tween girl speak into 46 year old tired daddy speak and vice versa.  Because neither had a clue of how to converse about this.  The King, just on the tail of fighting with Pettigrew a few hours earlier, bluntly said no to Buttercup.  Explaining that he could not sacrifice his own beliefs and feelings about Judaism and her part in it for this occasion.  Buttercup quickly burst into tears and tried to pretend she hadn't even asked. 

Slowly we unfolded the situation.  I encouraged the King that just as he was wanting Buttercup to understand and validate his feelings what she was asking, he needed to understand and validate what Buttercup was feeling.  With a little encouragement it became clear that Buttercup's main feelings were about having her mother and father on the same page for once.  About having her dad involved in this huge aspect of her life.  And generally about not being torn in two every time there is a holiday, a birthday, an event of any kind.  She, like every other kid out there, wants a cohesive family life, wants to be loved, wants to not have to choose between her parents. 

It's not a new story.  It's the one I worry about most for this kid.  That her divisive family life will end up causing her great harm because we are so different.  Yet unknowingly, Buttercup, by asking the King this question was asking him to sacrifice more.  She knows so little of the sacrifices he has already made to NOT put her in the middle of this battle.  Around the religion, he simply gave up fighting it, or hoping for balance, or suggesting that Buttercup is only half jewish.  Because of voldemort's intense pressure and need to have Buttercup be solely, 100%, and only jewish, he and I have let go of so much time, equality, and our chances to influence her spirituality.  As with everything, voldemort insists upon 100%, the King asks for 50%, and they end up meeting somewhere about 75%.   It is this adult failed co-parenting relationship that the child cannot understand and should not have to.  But it is this that is also what shapes much of how the King and I make parenting decisions.

And thus that tricky question of how much do we dance around reality to protect the child?

We tried to explain to Buttercup that while we are indeed doing our best, it still may not be good enough for her.  The best most honest most real thing that we can do right now is support her in a way that does not cause more conflict.  We are NOT insisting that she NOT have a bat Mitvah, we are NOT telling her it is wrong, we are not imposing our anti-religion feelings on her.  We are, as best we can, letting her do this thing that she and her mother are insistant upon without a fight from us.  We accept it.

True, we are also NOT learning Hebrew to work with her more. We are not forcing her to practice her Haftorah every day.  We are not going to services to learn the plans and meet the congregation.  And it seems, the King is not going to speak aloud in Buttercup's service.  It is the best we can offer right now, and yes, it might make Buttercup feel disappointed or sad. 

And so I wonder about all these sacrifices that the King has made and I have made for Buttercup.   I don't want Buttercup to suffer any more than she has too because her parents have a failed co-parenting relationship.  But I also don't want to see the King suffer and compromise himself beyond who he is.  I think that maybe there is no hard and fast rule about sacrifice.  Each day brings new opportunities and new challenges.  We can choose differently each time.  Perhaps what matters is that we are doing the best we can.  And being true to ourselves.

I told you so

Well people, hope has died for real.  After everything we have offered them, let go of, allowed, things with voldemort and her minions are full swing back into the realm of anger and hate.  I loathe being able to say I told you so, but hey I TOLD YOU SO.  The fool is one who keep going back to the same old story and thinking it will be different.  And it is not.

The question of the wednesday before thanksgiving has arisen.  This year is voldemort's year with Buttercup, and she wrote an empassioned plea for extra time this year, due to the loss of their baby and their desire to travel to florida for some sunshine and relaxation.  Against my better judgement, the King agreed to allowing them extra time.  He generously said "just let me know" what extra time they would be taking. 

In the past the thanksgiving holiday time comprised of thursday through sunday.  4 days.  And whether it was your regular time or not there was no make-up time for these days, because it alternates each year.  This year, the wednesday, which we alternate each week, before thanksgiving happens to be our day.  And a day there is no school.  So the King graciously allowed them this day and suggested a makeup day in december. 

A week later, the King began receiving calls from voldemort wanting to talk about the question of whether the wednesday before thanksgiving should in fact be included in the whole holiday weekend.  She seemed urgently needing to resolve this issue, as she called him 3 times over it.  He and I discussed it calmly and agreed that it didn't really matter whose wednesday it was each year if we are working from a place of flexibility and generosity.  If one family has the holiday weekend and wants to travel but it is not their wednesday, then the other family can graciously switch a day to allow it.  Or if one family has the wednesday, but not the holiday then that is a perfect day to celebrate the holiday with Buttercup, and everybody wins.  We figured just leave the wednesdays alone and not iclude it in the full holiday weekend.

The King conveyed our thoughts to voldemort on a phone message.

He received a carefully worded email back.  It informed us that for the next 4 years the wednesday before thanksgiving is our day.  It informed us that they felt it "FAIR" that for the foreseeable future we should give up those wednesdays and thanksgiving weekend sundays, and they would give up the thanksgiving weekend fridays and saturdays.  Then we would each be giving up equal time for that weekend, alternately.  The email also informed us that is has been good so far to be walking down the path of generosity and kindness and let's not ruin that by disagreeing now.  The email concluded by saying that if we choose to NOT AGREE with the way that they want to handle this wednesday issue and offer "fairness" (according to them) that she will have to retract her kindness and friendliness and we'll be at war again.

Ohhh-Kaaayyyy.... 

When voldemort and Pettigrew stopped by to drop off Buttercup's instruments yesterday, the King and I were talking about these new devolpments.  He suggested that we offer to them to just spend a few minutes and chat about it in person now.  I agreed, he asked voldemort, she asked Pettigrew.  And suddenly the anger flared.  I went inside with the kids so they wouldn't hear the discussion, but I looked out the window and watched some rather exuberant hand motions.  I saw voldemort leaning on her car quietly.  I saw the King walk down to it.  I saw Pettigrew leap out of his car with rage on his face.  I saw words fly back and forth.  I saw the King raise his hands and in the way one moves when they know they have to get out of a situation quickly, turn his back and force himself to walk away.  I saw anger.  From both of the men. 

Turns out Pettigrew was insistent that he did not want to talk about this issue now.  Though allowed that voldy and the King could for a few minutes.  The King said that I needed to be involved too, to which Pettigrew angrily insisted that if he wasn't going to talk, then I couldn't.  The King denied this.  They went round and round for a few short mintues, while I stayed inside holding the kids back from seeing this all.  Eventually the King walked away, disgusted and angry. 

Questions questions...  Why the urgency to talk about it, and then when the opportunity arose forgo it?  Were they hoping to not have to makeup this wednesday the King granted?  Did they really look forward into the calendar FOUR years to see whose wednesday each week is?  Are they really just trying to get more time, after ALL the time we gave them over the past months?

The bottom line for me is this.  We were not dead set on our opinion of the wednesday question.  We, for a few short moments have been working from a place of thinking we can work these things out positively.  The King and I both were under the impression that we were simply discussing the issue.  The response I was looking for to get on the Hope path was  "hey, let's talk more about it together, with respect and good listening and try to understand the best course of action."    Instead we got a threat that if we don't do it their way then the bombs are going to start flying again. 

Voldemort is voldemort.  And it seems Pettigrew is Pettigrew.  And the war is not over.

Fuck 'em.

life is fluid

After a few sunny warm LA days I am back to regular life.  It was a good thing to see my extended family, but a sad time for sure.   And I have returned to life as we know it here in stepmama land.  The King and I have been at odds.  Mainly due to my resistance to forgiving and forgetting all the bad things that voldemort has done.  I spent yesterday morning writing out where I stand for myself and for the King, and instead of recreating the wheel, here are a few excerpts from my thoughts... 

As I am involved in this family, I need to have a say in what the schedule with Buttercup is like. You may understand that I need the boundaries that we have set up to continue being boundaries. At least until the time, sometime in the future, when I feel safer, and when co-parenting relations have more obviously taken a turn for the better.

If voldemort is given extra time, there is no reason, in my mind, that we should not get an equal amount of extra time in return. It has long been a struggle to acquire that make-up time, but this is how it has always been, this is what your separation agreement decrees, and this is one of the rules I need to still have in place. This is not to say that you cannot give her more time, act generously, and live by the standards of peace that you choose. It just means that she needs to allow make-up time just as generously.

You may feel it is better to be more fluid and take the schedule one day or week at a time, but it turns out I cannot live like that. Especially based on the way life between out two familes has been in the past. I know that life IS fluid and is always changing, but one way for me to ride the waves more sucessfully is with boundaries. Such as, a set schedule that I am aware of and thus I can know what will be happening.

I need her to communicate with me and involve me in all the discussions. We have asked her to do this in the past, and she has consistently and regularly refused. I met with her and tried to explain our situation and asked her to please involve me in discussions about Buttercup and she emphatically refused. She responded that she did not have a baby with me, she had one with you, and that she needed to only co-parent with you. That seemed to either make her feel safer or more in control.  I need to understand, believe, and feel that she is past this, is accepting of my role as a parent to Buttercup, and is completely willing to discuss parental matters with me.

This is also the part where the apology comes in. I need to feel that she sees how detrimental her poor behavior towards me has been. I am not looking for thanks for my job parenting, (parenting is a thankless job) but rather basic acknowledgement that even as "just the stepmom" I am just as involved and needed to make our co-parenting lives run well. I need to see her respect me and my position.

The thing about being a stepparent that maybe you don't understand, and oddly, she has not seemed to, is that one gets all the responsibility and none of the rights. If you and I split up, or you die, then I have no legal rights to be with Buttercup, ever. All the work I do, and the fun we have, all the things I sacrifice and all the time we spend together is invested because I choose to invest it. Not because I am legally bound to, or even because I feel emotionally bound to. I don't do it because I want to, or because I might get something back from Buttercup in the future.  I do it because it is a choice I make every day to live in a precarious relationship of love with Buttercup that I have no real control over.

Sometimes I want to choose something different. Sometimes that precariousness looms big and I want to stop investing. Sometimes I want to walk away from loving somebody so much and having so little ability. Usually these times are when I feel demeaned by voldemort, or forgotten by you, or disrespected in some way. And sometimes I think it is ok and good for me to walk away, for a day or an evening. That is something that you have to accept, that there have been and may be more afternoons that I need to spent the night in the cabin because I feel too hurt to continue making the choice.

Again, I am not looking for thanks from her, from you. I am not trying to say I am better than you or her. Or my pain or sacrifice is greater. I just want you to try and understand what I think about, what I go through being a stepparent.