I am reminded...

Thank you all so much for your comments, support, encouragement.  I couldn't have gotten to a place where I could face voldemort with such confidence, if it weren't for the support of so many of you.  This blog has turned into a place where I feel like I must come a spew the pent up stepmommy feelings thoughts, fears, whatever, and until I do that, life feels sticky and tough.  I am reminded that I am not alone, and that I am not the only one going through a yucky situation, and that everyone has their burden to bear, and this is mine.  But life goes on.  There is, of course, more to say about the meeting with voldemort, but I feel like I don't want to spend more time writing about that right now. 

We had a good 11 days in a row with Buttercup.  It felt consistent and simple having her here on a daily basis.  The absence of switching households seemed to suit us all.  Allowed her to settle in and relax and just be with us.  This week she has been attending an SPCA day camp, learning about lots of different kinds of animals, and coming home saying how she wants a puppy, or a kitten, or both, or all the animals in the shelter.  And thursday afterwards she returned to voldemort's house.  Until sunday when we will pick her up at 9 am again (hopefully without argument from voldy and pettigrew) and later that day take her to sleepaway camp.  Voldemort is indeed confirmed to be working at the sleepaway camp next week.  I find this unbelievably strange and annoying that she would want to tag along to her daughter's camp experience, and that Buttercup would want her there hovering.  But whatever I think about it, I hope that the experience is positive for Buttercup. 

Yup, life goes on, and I am hoping the experience becomes more positive for all of us.

the meeting- negotiating play times

As you know, last week while Buttercup was with us for a vacation week, I had a little trouble with her friend Little C's mom, Bellatrix.  Bellatrix and her husband were pushy and adamant about setting up play times for Buttercup and Little C.  Bellatrix went so far as to plan for times she had scheduled with Buttercup, as times when voldemort would be with them as well.

This issue did come up in my meeting with voldemort.  While I can see her side of it, and can see how the miscommunication lead the way for trouble, I still feel voldemort and Bellatrix were in the wrong here.

Voldemort explained how Buttercup's Bat Mitzvah is coming up and how both Little C and Buttercup are feeling unprepared, and not ready to read or speak Hebrew before a crowd.  Since voldemort speaks Hebrew fluently and is the most realistically available Hebrew teacher, she, Bellatrix, and the two girls had sat down one day and were making a plan together.  She explained how Buttercup was excited and felt committed to having a weekly meeting with her mother to practice Hebrew.  In fact, Buttercup was emphatic about it.  Upon hearing from Bellatrix that I, the Queen, had told Bellatrix that "Buttercup could make her own schedule for the vacation week" they all agreed that dinner together and a hebrew lesson would be a splendid idea.  Voldemort also said how she was pleased that "the Queen was empowering Buttercup to make her own decisions," and that she thought this was a good thing.  When she came to find out from Bellatrix that Buttercup was not to be attending the Hebrew lesson, she was surprised, and agreed that Buttercup had been put in the middle here.  Voldemort went on to say how great it would be for Buttercup if the King and I supported her Hebrew lessons, encouraged them, and all around promoted all things Jewish with Buttercup.

Perhaps I am a fool.

When I said to Bellatrix (mind you I never said any such thing to Buttercup) to have the two girls talk about what they wanted to do together that week, I did not expect Buttercup to return to us with a written schedule for hebrew lessons.  I also did not expect that what Buttercup and Little C asked to do together would then become a decree for the week, without final agreement from the King or I.  Bellatrix, after making these plans did not return to me, call me, or in any way contact me, to confirm that this schedule indeed was ok.  Voldemort did not contact us to ask if I did in fact give Buttercup undue permission to plan whatever she wanted.  And Buttercup did not persuade us with any care or conviction that these planned events were indeed what she herself wanted to do, felt committed to doing, or was excited about doing.  Instead, she expressed deep confusion and worry about Bellatrix forcing plans on her that she did not want to do.

It's like a politician saying how wasteful it is to spend taxpayers money on ethics reviews and research into the morality of a governor, when that money could be going towards better roads or safer schools.  It's true, that money could be and should be better spent.  But the ethics reviews would not have to happen if the governor was not unethical in the first place. 
Voldemort is suggesting that we should just go with her plans for Hebrew lessons on our time, thus keeping Buttercup out of the middle of our conflict.  Yes, we could do that and save Buttercup the suffering, and we probably should.  But if voldemort did not plan things on our time, then Buttercup would be saved from that being in the middle conflict in the first place!

I am having trouble with one last thing in this scenario.  It seemed to be with great ease which voldemort went with the third-hand suggestion from Bellatrix that I, the Queen, the stepmom, the one not to communicate discuss email decide things for or plan for Buttercup, had made the allowance that Buttercup could plan for her own week.   If I am not allowed to make decisions for Buttercup, why then was I allowed to make this decision for Buttercup?  Why did voldemort not then contact the King and confirm that he was on board with this allowance that Buttercup could make her own plans?  Why did voldemort not disregard this decision by me because "she doesn't know me at all", and for all she knows I am just some random person living with her daughter?  Why, you ask?  

Because it benefited voldemort.  Because it gave her an inch.  She was then able to make plans with Buttercup, on our time, and apparently, according to Bellatrix, with our/my consent.  She didn't want to turn around and confirm it with the King, because he might say he knew nothing about this, and nix the whole idea.  If the Queen is giving Buttercup freedom to go be with her mother during the King's time, then by all means let the Queen play too! 

Where does this leave us?  Back at the same manipulative, dark, divided game we have long been playing.  Going nowhere.

the meeting- the bad stuff part 2

Practically, what did voldemort and I talk about?  She brought up the issue of the summer trombone lessons, and the ongoing orthodontia debate.  Voldemort explained in great detail while I listened, how she felt so steamrolled in these two co-parenting debates. 

---With the trombone lessons, she simply "had an idea for (my) daughter" and wanted to implement it.  Yet when she suggested the idea to the King, the idea got stolen away from her and we said basically "screw you, we already have plans to do that."   She went on to say that she could take "the high road", and just go along with our choice of teacher.  But she is innocently weary of the games, when all she wanted to do was give her child music lessons.  And who is the one who suffers? Buttercup.  ...So I explained our side of it.  That we already had a plan in the works with my friend for trombone lessons.  That we felt it was perfectly ok for Buttercup to have two trombone teachers, should voldemort decide to seek lessons elsewhere.  And that we were certainly not trying to "steal her idea," or thwart her good intentions to give her daughter trombone lessons, we simply had other plans.

As often happens, voldemort will make a request of us, in a polite way.  And then when we say no, she flips out on us.  Now, my understanding of request is that when one person asks something of another, the other responds according to their preference.  They have a right to say yes, or no.  The act of requesting does not imply consent or agreement.  Yet somehow when voldemort "asks" she is implying that we will go along with it, or clearly we are poor parents.  Mind boggling, really.
And I could write a fucking book filled with all the incidents when the King or I "had an idea" for Buttercup, or something good we wanted to share with the child, which was then "stolen away" from us by voldemort.  Without a care for anything but herself and her experience with her daughter.  Perhaps what goes around comes around.

---With the orthodontic fun, voldemort explained how she had spent many months working with Dr. First, going to meetings (all of which she invited the King to attend), and planning for Buttercup's dental treatment.  Had the King simply come along from the beginning and gone through that process with her, it would have saved us all, and mostly Buttercup so much suffering.  (that is, the suffering of boredom of waiting around the office for various appointments, but not getting much actual work done on her mouth).  She again felt steamrolled, because we suggested that we preferred to work with Dr. Body Part.  This steamrolling forced her into having to make an appointment with Dr. Body Part, and see what he had to say, and isn't that inconvenient for her.  And the overall result from the King and I wanting to get a second opinion and determine for ourselves the validity of this 5500$ investment, was that now the whole process has been delayed and put off, and poor Buttercup is still waiting to find out what will happen.   ...All I could say to this one was that it was not the King or my intention to switch Doctors on her.  At first the King was happy to allow voldemort the responsibility of working with Dr. First to get Buttercup an expander.  A minor procedure.  When the treatment jumped from a small piece of hardware and a few dollars, to oral surgery, full braces, and serious money, we felt we had better find out for ourselves what was going on, and not simply trust voldemort's judgement.  When we did so and Dr. First allotted us all of 5 minutes of his time, it seemed reasonable to look for a second opinion.  Which we did.  And we happened to like that Dr. better.

While I feel like voldemort's anger about this issue is slightly irrational, I think I can see this from both sides.  I certainly would have been annoyed too if I had put in a lot of work on something, only to have the other party I needed consensus from suddenly want to do it differently.  And I have to agree that had she been working with the King AND I from the start, we perhaps could already have the braces on the kids teeth.

BUT, her dramatics about "Buttercup's suffering" is hard to swallow though.  Yeah, it must have been hard, and boring, and annoying to sit around that office on numerous occasions waiting, meeting, hearing the adults blabber on about her teeth, with nothing happening.  But I am sorry, that is NOT suffering.  That is inconvenience.  And I think there are a lot of worse things in life than sitting, reading magazines in a safe, warm, clean office, missing school, and being with your mom.  If it was so terrible for Buttercup to go through that, then why are we signing her up for 36 months of treatment, where she will have to visit that office monthly, and probably sit and wait for part of that time?
The other BUT, is voldemort's insistance that by delaying this treatment we are somehow ruining Buttercup's chances for a good life.  Seriously, she went on about how there is a great possibility that we will never come to agreement and get this treatment started.  Then Buttercup will get older, her teeth will grow crookedly, or get infected and fall out.  Or worst case, she will get that terrible facial infection that Dr. First warned of should we not move that stuck canine tooth.  And who does that reflect on?  Her parents.  People will ask a grown up Buttercup why she has so many teeth problems and she'll have to explain how lame her parents were for not getting it fixed when she was 11.  (I am not kidding, she actually talked me through this scenario).   What the hell do you say to that?

The kid is 11.  Her life will not end if we do not get braces on her teeth today, tomorrow, or even this year.  There is time.  Plenty of time.

Conclusions...?  None really. 
I have a trombone lesson set up with my friend for Buttercup this afternoon. 
We are waiting to hear voldemort's report of her visit to Dr. Body Part, and how she wants to move forward in this.

Nothing got decided in the meeting, but that wasn't the point.  Maybe a little understanding was created.  Maybe not. Maybe that will help us.  Maybe maybe maybe...

the meeting- the bad stuff part 1

Yes, there was some good stuff about meeting with voldemort.  But there were also plenty of reminders of the bad stuff of our co-parenting relationship.  The main topic of conversation throughout the hour and 45 minutes we spent together was communication.  As voldemort talked, I listened, and mostly just tried to hear her side of it.  About communicating with me regarding Buttercup's life, voldemort said this...

...a year ago May, the King had said to her on the phone that he would not talk to Pettigrew any more.  When the King said this, he had every right to request such communication cease.  And voldemort respected his request, and she began again communicating with the King.  Voldemort feels it extremely unfair that she respects the King's request, but that the King does not respect her request to not communicate with me.      So I reminded her...  At that time, the King had been doing most co-parenting talking and emails via Pettigrew, since he was slightly more rational and less likely to erupt into angry ranting.  That was when we were finishing court proceedings and co-parenting was extremely tense, angry, and stressful.  Pettigrew began to become more and more undone about it all, and more often was indeed yelling at the King.  I distinctly remember sitting on the couch late one night with the King and asking ourselves why the King was even talking to Pettigrew in the first place?  Voldemort had for years already continued to refuse to speak to or email me, so the King should refuse to speak to or email Pettigrew.  And thus he made that request.

...voldemort repeated that she does not know me at all.  And how exactly is she to know that an email coming from my email account is truly from the King as well?  Should she have to take that email into a court of law, and it only has my name on it, how does that show that the King is responsible for his daughter?  She assured me that I am probably a fine person, and that the King and I are probably right in sync with each other, but she needs to know that the King is making legal decisions about his daughter.  And that I have no place, right, or responsibility to do so.     ...So I asked her if she wanted to get to know me?  And I suggested that if she got to know me, she might feel more trusting.  I also suggested that she could trust that when we say that the King and I make every decision together, just because an email comes from my email account means nothing.  Other than I am the parent home and with slightly more time to send emails. 

...voldemort agreed how our current situation of co-parenting is just not working.  She spoke for quite a while about how deeply she loves Buttercup and would do anything for her.  She went on and on, and acknowledged that our bad situation is just that, bad, and the one who gets hurt the most is Buttercup.  She suggested we need a "new model" for co-parenting.  ...I agreed.  And I reminded her that she has tried communicating with the King.  The King has tried communicating with Pettigrew.  Pettigrew and I have tried communicating.  The ONLY combination of adults communicating that has not been tried is she and I communicating.  Perhaps that would be the model that would work.  And why can't she try that?  She rolled her eyes to this and again refused.

...voldemort explained how "steamrolled" she had been feeling lately, about numerous issues, but particularly about communication with me.  As if we were attempting to force her to communicate with me.  She repeatedly used the word steamrolled.  She also explained how she understood that I wanted to be the only one communicating with her, how I wanted to send all the emails, and how that would suit me.  She said that maybe, if the King has so much work to do that he cannot take the time to write his ex and email regarding their daughter, then perhaps he is an unfit parent.  She said that she works 100 hours a week, staying up nights and commuting for hours, and somehow she finds the time to respond to his emails.   ...This was when I felt the blood rushing to my brain and breathed in slowly and calmly and stopped talking.  And stopped listening.  I looked away and when she finished her rant, I said ok, well, this has been nice, but I think I'd like to go home to be with my family.  She stopped too, said she was sorry to upset me, but...  I clarified that I did not want to send all the emails, I did not intend to be the only parent communicating, but that that was simply how it worked in our household.  I'm am the parent at home.  Period.

We did agree, several times, that we seemed to be in a stuck place.  She suggested the compromise that she would copy me in emails she sends to the King, and I will cease and desist all communication to her, or I think she put it, "respect her request" to not communicate with me.  Yeah, that's a fair trade.  As always, it's about control.  She wants it.  She fears she is losing it.  And she finally wanted to meet with me to try and convince me to "walk in her shoes" and show a little compassion for her plight.  She has been feeling the heat I have been laying on her lately, and she had to take notice.  Finally. 

There is no way in hell I am going to respect the wishes of this woman who continues to refuse to respect me.  And who continues to refuse basic communication.  If what it takes to get her to talk to me is pressure, steamrolling, forcing, or otherwise making her stop and notice she is losing control, then by all means, let the rolling begin.  I have no problem with that.